a new poem :)

I sit inside and wait
Wait for the day you will come
I sit alone and think
Think of all the things I have done
So many stupid
So many smart
So many things I can’t undo
So many things that helped me through

I cry to think of all the hearts I broke
and mine included in the pile
I laugh to think of all the faces
in which I could help make smile
I look back and see the mistakes
In which I have made
And not a single one of them do I regret
For they have made me who I am today

I sometimes feel like I can break
And then I remember
That I must stay strong
Strong for those who are weak
Strong for the innocent who have to deal
With everything that they don’t deserve

I sit inside and wait
Wait for the day you will come
I sit alone and think
Think of all the things I have done
So many stupid
So many smart
So many things I can’t undo
So many things that helped me through

soo...

I got back from my shoot around 7 pm, turns out The Wizard of Oz started at 6 not 8, but luckily I know how to work the tv so that way the family got to watch it. I went over to my friend Herm's house, I got to see Ashley and Jeremy's baby. She is so precious, even when she threw up all over me and it went down my new dress ><. You know though, his family has always considered me family, I was the only daughter they knew for a long time. Now when I go over there I feel like the only people who want or even like me being there is Ashley, Mom, and Dad. Why do I feel like I shouldn't be over there? Why does everyone else over there make me feel like I shouldn't be there. It is almost as if I am a disease that is contagious and deadly. I don't know, maybe I am just being paranoid.

Why also am I so damned confused on everything!!!??? I just got out of a relationship in which because I didn't feel ready for one. Now I want one! God I just need to shoot myself in the foot, maybe then that will clear my head up. I need to go to the gym and just sit in the steam room for a couple of hours. I feel almost left out and I know I shouldn't want to be around him all the time, but I do. He makes me happy... in more ways than one... and so he went out with his friends, who are kind of mine too, but I don't want to go somewhere and just hang out if I wasn't invited to do so. Oh well, it is Easter so therefore, I will just enjoy staying home cleaning all day >< and I also have a shoot with Gary!! Yay!!! And Lauren is going with me and she might get to shoot! Woot!! She is so gorgeous, she looks like Rachael McAdams... well off to bed I am goodnight

up and at 'em

ugh, so I stayed at Petri's last night, didn't get to sleep until about 3 am, and was home by 9. >< I cleaned all night last night before going over. Also a photo shoot today at 1 pm ending around 5 pm. Family night tonight!!! Watching The Wizard of Oz, on TCM at 8pm. Completely digitally remastered, and on our widescreen something or other tv :). Woot. I was the cowardly lion when our school had that play, and not to brag but everyone said I was the best character in the play. That just goes to show I was made to be in front of the camera in one way or another.... but obviously some people don't agree, which is why I was screwed out of my part of the play from this fall, tis why I gave everyone the birdy and walked out. Enough of an angry past. I have to find a way to get my clothes back from the ex, who mind you was doing, and probably still is doing, coke. How does one go about doing that? I called him to see if he would bring them over, that way if he flips out or something I have my mum and my daddy to protect me. My only issues are, 1) I hope he hasn't thrown them away, cut them up, or burned them, 2) I hope he calls me back so I at least know what is going on with them, and 3) if he won't bring them to me I need someone to go with me to get them.
Well I must be off, I have to return a rug doctor, ttyl!!!

petri and ducky

isn't that cute?!?! I had friends who called me ducky, and now I am dating a guy named petri XD it is just too cute! He makes me happy, he supports my modeling fully, and has long hair. MMM and he takes care of it!!! I think I might start taking up boxing, or kickboxing... would you still love me if I was bruised and beaten? I want to be held, who wants to cuddle? I just want a warm blankie and someone to snuggle. Well I must clean, I am tryin to see if I may stay over at Petri's tonight :) wish me luck!!!

My first blog

Woot! Today is the first blog I get to write! Now I am a cool kid... ok maybe not a cool kid, but still I have a blog now. Got back from my MRI. I fell asleep in it, and the guy couldn't even wake me up until the came in and took the headphones off my ears ><. No school tomorrow, thank goodness for spring break. Now I am just waiting to see what happens tonight, on whether or not I may have Petri over, or if I am actually ungrounded and can go out :), off to the gym for a better body. Luvs!!